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Nutrition and child guidance. Psychology today журнал на английском
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Почему я делаю забавы для Psychologies.Today
Я изобретаю именно забавы, а не игры. Разница в том, что игра ведётся по установленным и принятым игроками правилам на выделенном пространстве, а забава устанавливает правила и границы для дальнейшей игры.
Например, типичная забава мальчиков – дёргать девочек за косички. Они пробуют реакцию девочек, пробуют грань, за которой можно получить ответ, пробуют прояснить на разных девочках «насколько» они могут к ним приставать, исследуют, как далеко может зайти насилие без ответной реакции, и по каким правилам можно избежать наказания. Если используемая ими сила слишком велика, то мальчики получают оплеуху от девочки, жалобу более сильному или просто плачь и бегство.
Забавляются дети и с предметным миром, и с людьми. Забавы с предметами определяют границы тела и физических возможностей. Например, когда лепят в песке куличики, дети пробуют податливость песка своим рукам. Так же они забавляются со своим телом, залезая на деревья, прыгая в воду, играя с мячиком...
Начиная приблизительно с полутора лет, в забавах формируется социальная личность и очертания собственного «Я». Дитя начинает, например, покусывать грудь матери во время кормления, смеётся, когда кусает, и смотрит на реакцию мамы: в какой мере мама допустит быть покусанной. Или стаскивает со стола еду и бросается посудой, с улыбкой поглядывая на взрослых, как бы спрашивая: «Ну и что мне за это будет?».
Забава смешна в первую очередь для инициатора и фактически провоцирует другого человека на ответные действия. Так инициатор пробует, насколько далеко он может зайти в своей активности и радуется, когда ему удаётся подвинуть границу терпения. А если не удаётся, то он получает знак – физическое сопротивление, оклик, убегание, удар, крик, щелчок…
Чем старше ребёнок, чем шире его социальный и географический горизонт, тем разнообразнее забавы, тем точнее формируются очертания и правила в отношении различных социальных групп. Забава становится инструментом формирования личности. Через неё усваивается культура, правила поведения в обществе, формируется структура собственного «Я».
По мере того как человек взрослеет, как он пробует в забавах спорить, нападать, угрожать, провоцировать и т.п., он формирует ментальную карту, по которой уже ведутся игры. Постепенно забавы отходят на второй план и оставляют выросшим людям игры по правилам в определённых местах. Правила могут быть прописаны в законах, приняты негласно в обществе как мораль, устоятся как алгоритмы в межличностных отношениях.
Например, в типичной игре жертвы, преследователя и спасателя установлены границы и правила для определённого общества и набора игроков. Жертва чувствует, насколько она может быть жертвой, преследователь соблюдает величину насилия, а спасатель знает, в какой момент нужно помочь. Большинство участников довольны игрой до тех пор, пока один из игроков не выходит за принятые рамки. Например, женщина, которая не усвоила в детских забавах границы плача, срывается в истерики и депрессию, спасатель, которому в детстве не прояснили куда и как оттаскивать жертву, может внезапно сам стать насильником, чрезмерно изолируя жертву от игры. Чтобы вернуть людей в типичную и приемлемую игру, психологу приходится их возвращать сначала в забаву.
Однако чаще всего психологи пользуются речью для практики и не наказывают подопечных. Поэтому я создаю прецеденты забав для индивидуального использования и называю их «бумажное зеркало». Они чем-то похожи на реальные зеркала, перед которыми подростки корчат рожи или красуются, забавляются сами с собой. Есть в коллекции и бумажные зеркала для социальных коммуникаций с лёгким контактом для участников: поглаживание, дуновение, щелчок... Я придумываю дизайн и рисунки в «бумажных зеркалах» так, чтобы, как и в реальных забавах, человеку было весело ощупывать границы себя и отношений, исследовать их.
В типичной психологической практике смех обычно завершает серию сеансов и демонстрирует выход человека на новый уровень развития личности через катарсис. Психолог вербально формирует личность и часто сам демонстрирует границы. В то же время защитные механизмы личности, такие как отрицание, сопротивление, перенос и т.п., пробуют сломать ограничения, установленные психологом. Фактически психика клиента забавляется на сеансах с терапевтом, но, пропустив этап в детском развитии, делает это по-взрослому грубо и серьёзно.
Далеко не все, нуждающиеся в помощи, способны прийти на открытое взаимодействие к психологу или в группу, поэтому я предлагаю желающим самостоятельно и бесплатно использовать материалы из этого раздела для оценки своих установок и сил. Фактически забавы и юмор здесь служат тестом для читающего, как зеркало для самооценки. Если человек видит смысл или юмор в публикации – значит, он созрел для непосредственной работы с психологом. Помните, что пятна Роршаха возникли из его забавы с чернильными кляксами со школьниками и стали серьёзным инструментом в диагностике.
Короче, пробуйте, пользуйтесь, отзывайтесь своим мнением.
Иван Сидоров
psychologies.today
Nutrition and child guidance
I don’t like to give specific psychological advice. Particularly, advice about children. The reason is parents simply confuse psychology and pedagogics. Educating valuable members of society is not the main problem of psychology. A psychologist is called in to eliminate the cause of disease including mental issues. Having broken a leg or caught a cold, one tends to complain about being unable to act as he planned or used to act; in the same way, in case of depression or obsession, a patient cannot do what his body wants.
I don’t like to give advice but I have to.
Most often, mothers complain that their children bother them and stop them from working «properly». In such situations, a pedagogue does not eliminate the cause but builds temporary communication patterns to patch conflicts just as pills and ointments address the symptoms only instead of the root causes of the disease. Note that this approach is not just popular but acceptable for the majority of people who suffer from their children. They prefer not to busy their mind with the needless analysis and they have the sacred right to do so. If a woman asks on a ladies’ forum the following question: «I cried all night long. How do you think why?», she does not want to get an answer but just some sympathy and acknowledgment of the fact that she is not alone.
Sometimes women and men (generally referred to as the clients) come to psychologists complaining that they cannot live at peace with himself or with some imaginary people. Actually, these people are real (should they be unreal, psychiatrists are to help), but the client lives with the fancied images of these people and tries to explain their behavior using his own logic. Except for the cases of psychological disability, the problems of these people were grown by pedagogues who had been giving symptomatic relief for childhood traumas for several years.
Children apply even fewer (given that people younger than eighteen are children). Almost all of them apply complaining about their parents.
In other words, parents are at fault all around. Tooth and nail, parents strive to prove that they raised their children properly, but the children actually… The arguments they offer are based on all their knowledge in pedagogics and include alleging authorities. However, I’d like to underline that as a psychologist I know that books and authorities distort a person’s nature. I can help with toys, activities, models… but no pedagogics.
The difference between psychology and pedagogics can be demonstrated with a common example.
Many of you were probably moved by a child who starts to «feed» his parent. People with pedagogical background naturally shed a tear as a child stretches a slab of cake of a chocolate to his mother or father. Such parents tend to think this is for good; they think these are fruits of their guidance and such a well-guided child would take care of them and support them. But a psychologist would just grin at naivety of these people and appeal to the psychological evolution. As a child is weaned, he needs to know which food is good to eat and which is not. A child would give the unknown food to his mother or father for them to try it and watches carefully to see whether they swallow or spits it out, poison themselves or survive. In this way, children use their parents for their needs and they would use them even more as they grow up: writhe in hysterics, lie on the floor, ask, beg, break things, steal money, cadge presents, threaten to hang themselves or leave the house… A sane child, not exhausted with medications and pedagogues, would behave this way. Any exhausted child would do the same but in a far more sophisticated way and spontaneously.
So, if you came to realize your role in your heirs’ lives and realized that children are individual human beings, and your question is «What to do?», then I have an answer for you: «Use nutrition».
Start from the successful breastfeeding. Up to three years, breast milk gives a baby the nutrients needed for the immune system. A child who did not have enough mother’s milk would be weak and nervous.
Between three and five, teach your child to keep the food hygiene and behave at the table. You should scold him if he spills or breaks something, but let him do it. In this way, your child would understand the measures of weight and volume (at loose hours, read Piaget), learn the basics of social behavior. In future, you will have no problems of inadequate perception of physical reality (accidental fall, poisoning, burns and so on) and your child would not be unwelcome in a social group with the opposite sex due to piggish behaviour at the table.
Between five and ten teach your child to cook. In the first place, you would demonstrate how independent he is: a hungry person knows what to do and would not act up if he can cook something; this means, he can be entrusted with more responsibilities. In the second place, your heir would not get a natural stress and a fear of starvation, and the chances for him to commit a silly crime like «a theft» or «a robbery» would be lower. In the third place, he would learn to value his own work and the work of others. He would not be choosy about the food and grimace because he cooked the food himself. As he grows up, he would not eat away other people’s nerves and suck the blood of his family. Moreover, you can form volition by comparing the size of the portion with the appetite and avoid the problems of obesity and malnutrition.
Between ten and fourteen, teach your teenage child to turn living creatures into food, for example, to catch fish. Girls are no exception here, with a focus on fruit-berries-herbs-roots… Multiple experiments showed clearly that the key factor of respecting somebody is his ability to teach something. A child would probably forget which fish they treated him but he would be grateful to the person who taught him to catch fish.
Above the age of fourteen, it is a good idea to try national cuisines while traveling; this would be the first step to become more socially involved and be ready to be a leader in the multicultural environment.
Above the age of eighteen, you should host parties with your child and discuss sexual issues, relationships with friends and girlfriends, solutions to conflicts with him, as with a grown-up man… In a kitchen atmosphere, build friendship and partnership; you see, we trust our secrets to those whom we cook with far easier than to pedagogs.
When you have grandchildren, you and your former children, your partners now, would introduce the nutrition technique in raising their children. As they grow up to be healthy, having passed the kitchen school, their achievements will make you happier.
If you agree with me, you can use the funny food tips for free from the ever-breeding collection at https://docs.com/ivan-sidorov/1460/funny-food.
Author Ivan Sidorov
Translator Nataly Bondarenko
Original text Питание и воспитание
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psychologies.today
Learned feebleness
New life starts with breaking status quo
Goodman
All of us are pupils on this planet. Since childhood we are constantly taught, and told what to do or not, how to live or survive, when to fight, when to run, what we worth and what we don’t deserve. Such kind of lectures are given by happy people, unhappy and dissatisfied ones, by those who live their lives and those who constantly break other people boundaries.
We all are born feebleness.
It’s just how it is, an infant can’t survive without a help of an adult. It can’t get food, water to dress itself warmer. Being infants we can scream or whine as much as we want, but if an adult is not around that’s all we are left to do.
It happens that while becoming an adult, a man needs to learn how to overcome his/her helplessness step by step. And who helps him/her with that? Sure those people are parents and teachers. Such parents should have a desire to watch and bear the way their child is up to the new tasks like starting to walk or stacking blocks, tying his/her shoes, holding a spoon on his/her own and so on. So what I see in society lately? For moms, dads, grandmas, teachers is much more convenient to do everything quickly for a kid. But then a rational question appears: «How a kid will learn it?» Ability and skill are formulated by constant repetition of one and the same action. Sometimes it appear that a kid can’t make something, in that case a parent can even scold him/her. After such a negative experience, a kid can stop trying at all, so he won’t cause anger of his/her parent. By taking away the possibility of repetition his/her actions as many times as it’s needed, we take away his/her power. As a result, a kid stop being spontaneous and so called learned feebleness is born. That’s when a kid make numerous efforts but they are unsuccessful. As an adult, such foster child will wait for frays of fate; they won’t act spontaneous or risk to achieve their goals.
A child can’t influence the situation as his parent constantly takes away such possibility and with time he stops even trying to change things for better. Such a kid will be in the same authority and obedience position at work, in relationships with partners or friends. In families where such feeling of helplessness is transferred across generations, unconscious repetitions appear. Family is not aware of the influence on a kid, they were raised the same way and don’t even notice that. The second variant is that the family creates the following program of upbringing as it is convenient for them.
As I noticed, in our culture, when a child is raised in such families he/she, usually, has an opportunity to «stay alive» and only after that he/she can start learning himself, family issues, share negative experience and start shaping his personality, with what he/she has, anew. That’s why in psychology we often come across blurry (diffuse) identity, lack of understanding of our and other people boundaries, learned feebleness.
Sometimes I ask myself a question: «Why people have so many diseases» I notice that people eat pills like vitamins. Illnesses bloom like flowers. Psychological apparatus doesn’t cope with what is happening. Mental pain, emptiness, depression, obsessive behavior, sexual perversion, chronic condition of stress and anxiety, panic attacks (every other article in our culture is about it) are natural states in our modern life. Something needs to be done about it. We used to hear expression «take care of next generations». Now new specialists in therapy can’t understand who they really are. We don’t have to think about future generations, a man come to an unclear understanding of himself. Unisex culture is an escape from reality to a numerous gadgets, people are closed in their flats and limit their movement. We often get a request of working by skype, because a person is afraid to go outside and have opportunities of working at home.
As far as I understand, learned feebleness appears not only in isolation from this world but also in dependence from others. Some people avoid contact with people, hide themselves in the flat and stuff online, other look for any company with enthusiasm. Certainly all this comes from early childhood.
What can help people with learned feebleness?
Perception. That’s what psychotherapy is good at. With the help of psychotherapist, one can consider his childhood and understand what was happening in relationships of the family and figure out what prevents him from living here and now. As time pass, a man learn and get an opportunity to control his life, to plan and to act.
Start making your choice. Stop saying «yes» to everything that is happening in your life. Every time you make a choice by yourself, it will give you the feeling of strength. Start managing your life but not just agreeing with what you have. Inability to make a choice cause the feeling of being doomed and resignation
Learn to say «no» if you really want to. Only people with strong character, that know exactly what they want and don’t, can afford it. In childhood a lot of people was raised in a way that a child should be well-behaved, often it won’t count when a child say «no». But now, as grown-ups, we have an opportunity to experience things that were forbidden or suppressed by parents or teachers.
Author Daria Logvinenko
Translator Ksenia Andriushchenko
Original text Выученная беспомощность
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psychologies.today
The play of life
Every man has a dream to become an astronaut, a teacher, a performer when he/she has happy and careless time of the life. Unfortunately, only few of them can achieve their childhood dreams.
Parents’ prohibitions or phrases that reduce self-esteem can become crucial for a child’s life.
Let’s view two situations: A eight year son in Malikov’s family come from school with bad marks. His parents without consideration tell him how hard they try for his own good, and what it cost them. The parents make their child feel a sense of guilt. In the end they tell him: «It’s no way you will become successful, with marks like that you can only work as a street cleaner».
In Davidov’s family the daughter had stained her cloths with paint. Despite that, her parents sign her to an artist school and support their daughter in hard moments of her life. They tell her: «You are doing great!», «We believe in you!», «Well done!»
We can clearly see the strategy of parental upbringing in these situations. The famous psychologist Eric Bern once introduced a term «a scenario of life» which parents write for their children.
Despite of a kid’s diligence, his/her wins or misfortunes, parents program the future of their offspring.
It’s common situation for our society when a parent realize his or her unfulfilled dreams through his or her child, by forcing the kid to choose one or another profession or to create the ideal image of the husband.
After such «infusions» parents ask themselves a question why their children are offended by adults and blame them. The answer is simple. Unrealized plans of parents fell on their children’s shoulders.
If you want your child to have a happy and bright future, want him/her to be a winner just accept the needs of your kid and create the scenario of life together. Yet the kid should be the author of his/her life
By Olga NovikTranslator Ksenia AndriushchenkoOriginal Text Пьеса жизни
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psychologies.today
Path from mourning to recovery
I was inspired to write this article by the metamorphosis that happened in April this year. Just as the warm weather established, and delicate leaves developed, and trees began to blossom, and bees were humming, all of a sudden, the weather turned cold, and the north-westerly wind began to blow, and the frost came overnight. It went snowing heavily; we would have that much snow during the whole winter! It was snowing for three days on and off, and the spring grandeur was all covered with wet heavy duvets, white flowers and delicate leaves falling, branches bending to the ground. Many aged trees fell under the great amount of snow on their leaves.
I felt down over this «vagary» of nature: I went outside each two hours and shook this unnecessary snow from the drooping blossomed cherry trees and fragile apple trees, I worried about the delicate little trees that were caught completely unprepared for such a weather, and I cried being powerless. So did people around me. I wondered why this situation awoke an echo in our hearts. I understood that this unexpected snow during the warm spring was a metaphor¹ for human’s life when a disaster suddenly strikes. As it often happens, your life is good, everything is fine, things are looking up, but all of a sudden, «out of a clear sky», a trouble comes. In such moments, you suffer displacement of time and space, you make no difference between yesterday and tomorrow, day and night; you are alone in your pain.
We are programmed to withstand shocks easier when we know what is going on. Let me show you the stages of mourning based on the April snow metaphor.
What human misery is? It is the emotional upheaval, a strong feeling caused by a loss of something or somebody, an unbearable loss. As a person feels miserable, despite the origin of the misery, he goes through several stages.
The first stage is the shock, total arrest (the metaphor for it is: suddenly, in the middle of April, a great amount of snow covered everything with heavy duvets). A person does not believe in the loss yet, does not admit it. Inhibited, petrified, or, vice versa, active, fussy, and nervous, he does not realize the loss. He is insensible to what occurred, it goes over his head. It is very important not to let him lose the touch with reality. Do not leave him alone, just call his name, hug, hold his hand. Words are useless, your presence and silence are the best medicine. If he cries, do not hush him, and don’t be afraid of tears. It is important to let this person cry heart out, unburden himself; tears can heal. This stage takes up to two weeks.
The second stage is the denial (the metaphor for it is: «White snow on white blossomed trees? Impossible!»). The stage takes about thirty – forty days. The person understands what happened but is still unconscious of it. Everything reminds him of the loss, he dreams about it. It is important to speak about what he feels.
The third stage is the pain experience, mourning and admitting the loss (the metaphor for it is: we see many fallen leaves and flowers, branches broken under the snow duvets, and we are unable to do something). This is a period of inner emptiness and lack of energy. It hurts less for some time but the pain comes back. The person tries to accept his state and manage it but with varying success. He might also feel guilty and be angry at himself or others. It is important to recognize these emotions rather than repress or suppress them, just go through this state. He might still cry but less often. This stage takes about six months. It is important to be around, support and turn the grief into hope and remind this person about happy memories.
The fourth stage is the recovery, pain relief (the metaphor for it is: over time, the wind fades, the sun comes out and the snow melts; the bowed branches, flowers and leaves are cleared up, trees straighten, and the life goes on). Here come the true acceptance and integration of the experience of going through the trauma into life. The misery turns into a still grief. The person starts to make plans and generate goals. He finds resources, the life goes on and changes according to the circumstances. What is important here? You should encourage the social activity and fight with the idealism of loss. The end of mourning comes when the person does not become unbalanced when he is reminded of his loss but he derives strength from this loss.
Losses, if gone through successfully, by lapse of time, provide resources and help us to make the most of what we have, to live every moment of life, teach to sympathize and understand the feelings of others.
Author Elena Ustinova
Translator Nataly Bondarenko
Original Text От горевания до исцеления: как пройти этот путь
__________________
Note: metaphor is a figure of speech that refers, for rhetorical effect, to one thing by mentioning another thing.
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